To all those who have helped me, and through that, taught me how to help others.
An important tool that I have been trying to learn recently, is the ability to ask for help. I’ll have to admit, there has been quite an intolerable level of feminism fueled independence in me, and I’ve often seen it as a personal failure to 'ask' for help. But I think I’ve lived through that mindset long enough to realize that I am wrong in so many ways. I guess this 'intolerable independence' is the result of our self-help culture, that has vehemently preached that 'the answer lies within us'. And although it is true that the answer does lie within us; I realize asking for help doesn’t really negate that sentence. It only helps you reduce the burden of negative cognitions. And by the end of it all, answers are something that we have to find for ourselves anyway.
That being said, receiving good help isn’t easy. A lot us do not know how to respond when someone asks for help, and responses to vulnerability can sometimes be hurtful, threatening or judgmental. They can make us feel unsafe and/or misunderstood. Some common responses that can lead to this are:
- Giving unsolicited advice
- “It’s going to be alright”
- Asking too many questions
- Changing topics
- “At least it’s not that bad” or “But you have all these other things in life.”
- Talking about how they have it worse.
And thus, here is a 5 step, practical advice on how not to be this person and on how to manage another person’s vulnerability.
Step 1: Listen
Let them know that you want to listen, and that they have your presence and undivided attention. And truly, listen. Notice if there are words that they are repeating. Notice what their primary emotion is. Is it anger, guilt, disappointment, loneliness or is it insecurity? This is not to question them about it, but only for your own awareness of the situation.
Step 2: Validate what they feel.
“You make complete sense to me.”
“It would be great to be free of this.”
“That would make me mad too.”
“I understand.”
“I support your position here.”
Phrases like these are a great way to let them know that you understand them, and that you are on their side. The exact words you use can be relative to the situation you are in, but let them know that they are valued and supported.
Step 3: Express back what they seem to express.
Empathy is the ability to share pain. It’s the ability to feel ‘with’ somebody. What people present to us is nothing but a small snippet of what the actual situation is. But if you truly listen, you might be able to understand what is hidden under the cloak. And for them, hearing what they haven’t been able to vocalize themselves, vindicates what they have been downplaying. Or, maybe they are already vocal about the way they feel. But still, hearing it from another person is important. And this requires you to place yourself in their shoes. Think empathetically. (What if you were that person?)
Step 4: Make them laugh.
If you’ve done step 1, 2 and 3; then they’re already in a place of reduced distress, and making them laugh can lighten it up. This does not mean you shift the topic, but try to find kind-hearted humour in the situation itself.
Step 5: Closing sentences.
Do not stop talking about the issue, until the other person has completely exhausted everything that they would like to say. It can be difficult, because our lives are so hectic. But finding time for that person is an act of love, and all of us need love during stressful times.
That is it. That is all there is to it. This is a reminder to me, as much as it is for you, on how to inculcate this in everyday life. Much love and power to all of us.
