Aananda

  Maybe I didn’t do it all. But I did do some.  Maybe I didn’t do it all right. But I did do some.  And for the places I didn’t do right, I apologize.  And I hope when given another chance, that I would do differently.  I could only pray for the support of my mother,  that when given another chance, that I would do differently.

I didn’t think I’d live to see this year.  But wait, this piece is not as dark as that sentence claims it to be. Let me explain. This is more a critique of another than a confession of the self.   'Living in the moment' comes highly recommended by our very own eastern spiritual gurus, who have gone to the west, and I believe, sensationalized quote-unquote ‘living in the present moment’. The argument is that all that we have in our hands, is the present moment, and only that is certain. Seems like a straightforward idea, coming straight out of Buddha himself, right?  Well Buddha, after this year, I now believe it is an incomplete proposition. Hear my rebuttal, Buddha!  Well, with all due respect to your well-acknowledged wisdom, I would like to place a caveat that my claims could stem from a flawed execution of ‘living in the present moment’ from my side, which had me looking down at the ground while I walked, keeping my eyes on the next few steps -because what i...

  At 9 years of age:  Ofcourse, Mrinalini, you don’t have to deal with my disgusting self. I will be in my shell. You don’t have to go through this because of me. I can make myself small. I can stay away Mrinalini. Don’t worry about me. I’m not going to be an inconvenience.  [She’s right. I don’t need to take up space. I am annoying for her.] But maybe I could quietly have strong achievements, and maybe you’d like me more then. I wouldn’t chase you. I wouldn’t impose myself upon you. I would just make myself worthy of your attention. Maybe you would like me better if I had a better handwriting, like yours. Maybe you’d like me if I had better grades. Maybe you would show me some attention. And not be disgusted by me.  We could have fun. Maybe? I could make you laugh. I could praise you. Maybe get you food from home. Maybe I could write your class notes if you need me to. Or I can cover for you with the teachers, or your parents, if you need me to. I could, you know, d...

My fear speaks of doom. My fear exaggerates.   My fear speaks of haste and hurry. Restless, at best.  My fear speaks in judgment and shame.  My fear is not all seeing and all knowing.  It knows very less and sees very less.  Calmness and Fear  My calmness is non-verbal.  It speaks through a beat. Through the movement of my feet.  My calmness is slow and deliberate. My calmness is careful.  My calmness is restorative, and restful.  My calmness is content. My calmness breathes deeply.  My calmness does not judge, does not criticize, does not have an agenda of its own. When I bring my fear in front of calmness, it only notices. It sees the nature of fear, as it is.  Courage and fear                   My courage is playful. My courage is creative.               My courage learns. It improvises; opens possibilities.  ...